Posts from — August 2008

One of our kids, L, takes psychotropic meds.

There, I said it.  Deal with it.

I’m amazed at how much fear and animosity there is out there about giving psych meds to kids.  (in fact, it applies to meds given to adults as well).  We’re told that we’re just sedating our kids, preventing them from really learning how to behave, and if we’d just be firm with them…

The science shows that the brains of kids who have been abused, neglected and traumatized are wired differently than those who were raised in loving homes.  I’m not going to prove my point here – other sites and books have done a much better job at showing that link.  And meds have been shown to rewire our kids brains the way they should be.  And while he’s on those meds, we can work with him to “relearn” how to be a “normal” kid.

Think about it – if your blood pressure was so high that you were at risk of stroke, would you rely on diet and exercise alone to fix things?  Of course not – you’d start on the blood pressure medication right now so that you didn’t have a stroke, and then you’d work on the diet and exercise.  Maybe, if things go as planned, you’d be able to go off the blood pressure medication, and rely on the diet and exercise to keep your blood pressure low.

Its the same with our son L.  These meds make it possible for him to go to school, make friends, and not do the crazy things that make his life miserable.  We hope that with therapy, and a stable, loving home, he’ll be able to stop taking the meds eventually.  But we’ve got to treat him where he’s at.

You know, when you go through adoption training, or read books on adoption, you tend to only hear the horror stories about the public school system. How they don’t want to have anything to do with special needs kids; how they want to deny services, or better yet, get him into another school – any school – so they don’t have to deal with your kid.

Happily for us, that has NOT been the case with our kids’ school. In fact, I think they serve as a model for how a school should approach kids who’s lives started with trauma and neglect.

One of our kids had some pretty significant behavior issues last year, and they were behind educationally. So did the school try to sweep the issues under the mat, or just hope for the best? No. As soon as they saw the history, they called us in to a meeting to brainstorm ways the school could best support our child. And they showed them nothing but love and encouragement – alongside any necessary consequences – for the remainder of the school year.

Now we’re getting ready for the next school year, and sure enough, I got a call from the school asking if I wanted to meet with our kid’s new teacher. Heck yea! And today, I spent an hour with the teacher and vice-principal, reviewing what we’ve learned over the summer, brainstorming ways we could help our kid be successful, watching this teacher pull every idea she could out of her head.

Our school really exemplifies the best our educational system has to offer. For them, the focus is not on test scores, or making their lives easier. Its about truly teaching the whole child, and helping that child be their best. They love the kids in their school, and will do anything possible for them.

How can you make sure your school does the same for your kid?

• Open the lines of communication immediately. In our case, the school initiated communication. But if we were to do this again (yikes!), I’d ask to set up an appointment with the teacher and key staff right away, to give them appropriate background, and get their ideas.
• Assume the best, prepare for the worst. Meaning, don’t immediately go to battle with the school (assume they really want what’s best for your kid), but be armed with information in case you have to.
• Take advantage of your teacher’s expertise, and ask for her advice on how to support your kid. Maybe it will be great, maybe it will be horrible – but if nothing else, you’ve told him/her that you respect what they have to offer.
• Communicate with your teacher regularly. Ask if its okay if you check in periodically to get feedback. Ask for the best way to contact them.
• If at all possible, volunteer in the classroom – even if it means having to take time off work. Doing this even ONCE shows the teacher that you value your child’s education (not to mention that it shows your kid how much you love them).

15 years ago, I sat across the table at Mr. Perry’s with a woman who was trying to recruit me to work on a team of hers. On the surface, we were nothing alike; she was married with a child on the way, planning on becoming a stay at home mom; I was single, and couldn’t imagine a life without a job.

Flash forward to today, and Renee is now one of my best friends. And in an unexpected twist, our lives have begun to look very similar. We live within a mile of each other; we are both married; have three kids (both with two boys and one girl); go to the same church; etc.

What does this have to do with an adoption blog? This: we’ve both been through the adoption process: her, international/private, me, domestic/public. Our daughters are within a year of each other. And they have become friends.

Now of course, on one level, I think that’s just too cute for words. On the other hand, I wonder… am I forcing a friendship where one might not exist otherwise? What if they end up hating each other? What if they’re in competing cliques in high school? And then I realize how completely insane I’m being!

More important, I’m so excited that M has a friend who’s also adopted: someone else who doesn’t look just like her parents; someone who has gaps in her history; someone who’ll simply understand what it means to be adopted – how sometimes it doesn’t matter at all, and sometimes its the most important thing in your life.

I know not everyone reading this blog will share my religious beliefs, but I firmly believe that 15 years ago, when Renee needed to recruit one more person to her team, God picked me out of the crowd because He saw what was coming. He saw two women who could support each other through the adoption process, and two little girls who could support each other through their young lives. And He created a friendship that could be inherited by the next generation.