Posts from — May 2009

The decision’s been made – L will repeat the second grade.

Yesterday was L’s IEP meeting at the school.  His school is so awesome!  They all love him so much, and take such joy in even the smallest gains he makes. And he has been making gains – especially in small group settings.

But even with all the support he’s been receiving, he is far behind second grade standards.  And to be honest, he’s probably behind on first grade standards too – in fact, M, who’s in first grade, is doing far superior work than L.

Thing is, L’s not stupid.  Testing shows that he’s got average to above average intelligence – he just had a lousy start to life, which has caused him to fall behind academically.  In addition, he’s very immature for his age – he’s not even really comfortable around kids his own age.  Finally, he’s fully aware that he’s not like the other kids, academically or socially, and that just eats at his little heart.

Its that last factor that really made the decision for us.  He may never catch up academically – and we’re okay with that (though I’m NOT giving up hope).  He may always be immature and an introvert.  But one thing we have learned is that he responds best to being “successful” – to be able to complete a task successfully, whether at home, in the classroom, or on the football field.  He needs to be in a place where he has a chance of being successful on some level, any level – and our best hope for that next year is if he repeats this grade. Maybe because he’ll be familiar with second grade, he’ll be able to be the kid who knows what the drill is.  Maybe the repetition of homework assignments will allow him to complete them – and complete them well. Maybe being with kids who are a little younger than him will help him make a friend (just ONE friend, please!).

Or maybe not.  Maybe he’ll be in the exact same place this time next year. We just don’t know.

Just to be clear, we got absolutely no pressure from the school on this.  In fact, WE initiated the discussion, and the school was initially resistant.  But by the end of the IEP, we all agreed that this was the best thing we could do for L based on what we know right now.

It doesn’t hurt that he’s a tiny little guy, and so will not stand out physically.  And, he has an early birthday, so he won’t stand out in that way either.

As much as I know this is the right move, I still wonder (but then, I’m prone to second guessing myself).  And I hurt for my sweet boy that he didn’t get the right start in school. But I’m so grateful that he’s at a school that doesn’t only care about his test scores – they truly care about his heart and soul. If he’s going to spend an extra year at any school, I’m glad its here.

So I know I’ve talked about how we’ve been talking L to a wonderful, talented therapist.  Well, I’ve been going too.  Something about being stressed out beyond all belief…

Of course, one of my major issues is dealing with L.  His constant whining, inability to do ANYthing, calling us names, slamming doors, etc.

My therapist (well, L’s therapist too), has pointed out that L is really stuck in “victim” mode: that he’s bad, he can’t do anything, etc.  And one of our jobs is to help him build his problem solving skills.

One of the things that makes us nuts is when L is told to clean his room, and after an hour of sitting there, starts to wail “IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII CANNNNNNNNNN’T”, over and over again.  Or, when he has homework problems that I’ve seen him do before, he says “but I don’t know hooooooooooowwwwwwwwww.”  Or when he’s hungry, and he screams “I’M!!!!! HUN!!! GRY!!!”.

In the past, I would respond “oh sure you can honey, you know how to do it, you just…”.  Or “oh yes you do, you’ve done these before, its just like this…”.  Or “what would you like to eat?”

No more.  My husband and I have been tasked with putting it back on his shoulders, making HIM fix the “problem”, and even ignoring him if necessary.

That may seem like a lot to ask of a traumatized seven year old, but the fact is, he’s a smart kid.  He knows JUST where our buttons are.  And he’s totally capable of doing anything we ask.

So now, when he “can’t” clean his room, there is absolutely no response from us.  If he suddenly doesn’t know how to do his homework, at most, he gets a “I’ll be excited to see how you figure that out.”  And when he’s hungry, the response is “so what are you going to do about that?”.

And, if he says mean things, we ignore it (I was just called a stupid idiot – that’d normally really get me going, this time, nothing).  If he refuses to get out of our face, we leave the room.  We’ve even got his older brother N in on it – in fact, just a few minutes ago, L was yelling because something was in his way, and N responded “Hey L, thanks for reminding me to put my stuff away”!  Nice job, N!

We’ve been charged to do this as much as we can for the two weeks – we’ve been doing it for 4 days now, and while I don’t know that there’s a different in L’s behavior, there’s sure a difference in my attitude. Its very freeing.  I’m probably less stressed than I’ve been in months, because instead of trying to get him to “do” or “act” a certain way, I put the onus on him.

So whaddaya gonna do about that, L?

I hate alarming our kids rooms.  It feels so inhumane, so jail-like, so “abnormal”. But as soon as M and L moved in, we “alarmed” their rooms, per the urging of our social worker.

We started with the kind you put on the door, that chime every time they open it.  Worked for awhile, till L figured out that if he slammed the door hard enough, the thing would fall off (we’re currently renting, so used double-sided tape instead of drilling holes in the door).  Eventually, after falling off enough times, the thing broke.

Then we got another type, a motion sensor.  But positioning it is tricky.  And eventually, L figured out a way to get past it!

Once L gets past the alarms, he goes nuts.  He starts with the food – he doesn’t necessarily eat a ton, he just opens a ton.  The other night, he must have destroyed $50 worth of groceries.  If he can’t get to the food, he plays with whatever he can get his hands on – one night, it was air freshener – he went through an entire can!  He’s been in our wallets and other valuables.

“Well, why don’t you just childproof the house?” you ask?  Its impossible.  There is no amount of child proofing that can stop this kid.  This is a kid who removed screws from wood, with his bare hands.  And besides, how do you childproof the TV?  The computers? The sofa pillows?

And just to make me even crazier, he’s been bragging about how “we can’t stop him.”

We talked to his psych, who changed his dosing and timing a bit to help him sleep through the night.  And he’s got to pay us back for all the groceries he destroyed by doing chores.

But last night, we doubled-up on the alarms.  I rigged the door alarm so he couldn’t slam it off (don’t know why I didn’t think of how to do that sooner!), and we’ve got the motion sensor in a different location.

Now here’s the interesting part – after spending the day, telling us how we can’t stop him, when we installed the alarms, L gave me a big hug and said “thank you mommy”.

!!!

He doesn’t WANT to be a bad kid.  Eventually, he will be able to control his impulses.  But for now, he needs our help.  And if having an alarm helps him to feel safe, and not make bad choices, then I’ll put up as many as he needs.

Love sometimes looks very different when you’re parenting a traumatized child.  But still, its love.