Posts from — June 2009

As mentioned before, L is on psychotropic meds.  And anyone who’s dealt with these kind of meds knows its equal parts science and art.

About six months ago, we changed psychiatrists.  The one we had, while skilled, seemed stuck in a rut, and unresponsive to my calls or observations.  It didn’t help that he didn’t accept insurance either.

So we took a chance, and found someone nearby, who accepts our insurance.  The office is professionally run, she spends a lot of time with L, and she’s the first psych who spent significant time speaking directly with him.  She surveyed teachers, listened to my input, and prescribed a variety of lab work.

One more thing about her: when I mentioned that it was “only my gut”, but I felt he wasn’t on the right meds, she corrected me.  “Its not just your gut,” she said.  “You’re his mom, you know whats working and isn’t working.”  THANK YOU!

After three sessions with her, she proposed a sea-change in his medications, finally treating him for PTSD instead of ADHD.  I cannot tell you the relief I felt when she proposed this.  Very often, kids who’ve experienced trauma are treated for ADHD, because externally, it looks very similar to PTSD.  But internally, its a completely different beast – and I do mean beast.  Your average child with ADHD is trying to create stimulation that’s missing in their brain – a child with PTSD is constantly stimulated, on edge, tense, and is acting out in order to relieve that tension.

Its been a week and a half since we started L on Tenex, and medication designed to lower blood pressure.  We’ve had to gradually acclimate him to this drug, as it can make you very, very drowsy.  He literally slept for three days, and that was while on half a dose! (We also believe he has a huge sleep debt, poor kid, that he was making up for).  He’s been on the full dose for about four days now, and I still don’t know what to think.  On the one hand, there’s been a lot more “happy” L.  Dinners have been a total delight, he’s been playful, even his sister enjoys hanging out with him.

But… there’s also been some pretty major tantrums.  But I think they’re related to when he’s tired.  But maybe not.  I don’t know.

That’s the thing when you have a child on meds – you have to put all your powers of observation to work, because they can’t always tell you how they feel.  And you have to engage in lots of trial and error.  Right now, we’re working on the hypothesis that the major tantrums happen when he’s tired (because he doesn’t know that’s what he is, he just knows he feels bad), so we’re going to go back to regular quiet times (and idea that L agreed to in one of his better moments, but I’m sure he won’t like when we do it!).  And if that doesn’t work, we’ll try something else.

But at least we have a psych who “gets it”, who isn’t just doing what’s easy, but is working toward what’s right.  This may not be the right med, but I’m confident we’re on the right path.

Maybe all parents have this, but I suspect that it hits fost-adopt parents especially hard: this idea that we have to be perfect at what we do, because if we’re not, we’ll have made a our traumatized child’s life worse instead of better, and that’s just too much for us to bear.

But today, consider giving yourself permission to do the following:

Be Lazy

Kids want to go to the park, but you’re too tired?  Then too bad for the kids, they can play at home.  Kids want Round Table, but you want cold leftovers?  Eat the leftovers.    None of this will kill them, or even make them all that miserable.

Lower your Standards

Kids rooms a disaster area?  Close the door and create your own fantasy world where its clean.  Kid doesn’t have many friends?  Be grateful that they’ve learned how to play on their own.  Kid’s got Cs and Ds?  Hey, its still good enough to pass.  Your kids don’t need to have a perfect life – they just need to be loved by you.

Lose a Battle

Kid needs a bath, but they’re resisting?  No problem – people used to go weeks without baths, one more day won’t kill your kids.  You poured mini-wheats, they want cheerios?  Leave the mini-wheats out for tomorrow, and pour another bowl.  Sometimes, battles are worth fighting, but sometimes, they’re more about your pride than anything else.

Put Yourself First

Kid needs to cuddle, but you need a nap?  Take the nap, cuddle later.  Kid hates the sitter, but you and your spouse need a date?  If the sitter’s still willing, go on the date.  If you’re not strong, your kids will soon pay the price as well.

Screw Up

Trained to provide positive discipline, but yelled like a banshee at your kids instead?  Whatever, its over and done with.  Apologize and move on.  Or don’t apologize and still move on.  Accused your kid of lying, but it turns out they were innocent?  Again, apologize and move on.  Don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect.  It doesn’t help anyone.

The thing is, we’re human – with all the flaws and foibles that come with us – so perfection is not even an option, let alone a reality.   I’m not asking you to give yourself permission to go wild – just to be human.

I’m just a mom.

…not a saint.

…not a social worker.

…not a therapist.

…not a savior.

…not a rescue operation.

…not a legal arrangement.

…not a wonderful person for what I’m doing.

…not a video surveillance system.

…not a child behavior expert.

…not a clarvoyant.

Just a mom.  A mom who loves her kids with all her heart.  And with all her imperfections.

Oh, what a glorious day it was.  12 hours, alone with the man I love.

For the past year and a half, the most time we’d had to ourselves was 4 hours.  Trust me, that’s not enough.  Because it wasn’t even until SIX hours into our date that it occurred to me: “hey, this is the man I love, not just the guy who manages the kids in the morning”.

We should have done this much sooner.

But we were too lazy to fight for it.  First of all, before M&L were adopted, we could only leave them with adults over 18, and then, only for four hours – unless they were fingerprinted by our agency – and who wants to ask their friends to do that?

Then, we ran into the typical issues of finding a babysitter for more than a few hours at a time, and not wanting to burden our friends for any longer a time period. In fact, this date required the coordination of multiple parties.  First, my hubby and I had to both get the day off work.  Then, the kids were at day care until 4.  Next, a true friend drove all the way across town to pick the kids up and bring them home, where our trusted babysitter was waiting for them (having picked up the key the day before).  She kept them entertained till bedtime, and we arrived home shortly after.

But you know, there was something more insidious that stopped us:  those nasty questions that nag at us…

• What if our kids feel abandoned all over again?
• What if our friends don’t want to help us?
• What if people think we don’t love our kids enough (“why did you want to adopt if you don’t want to be with them?” type of thing)?

Here’s my answer.  Get ready for it.

Get over it.

Your kid’s already got issues – leaving them with a sitter won’t make it worse.  Your friends love you, and want your family to be successful.  Tough tooties what other people think (because people who think like that will never “get it” anyway).

Let me be perfectly clear:

If your relationship with your partner is not strong, you are NOT going to be an effective parent.  You might think you can get away with it for awhile, but eventually, a weakened marriage (or partnership) will mess up your kids – and you – far more than their history will.

If I could go back in time (which by the way, you couldn’t pay me enough to do), I would do the following:

• Get every one of our close friends finger-printed, paying for it myself if necessary.
• Make the effort to schedule dates that are more than 4 hours long.
• Schedule regular short dates – employing multiple sitters and begging friends if necessary.

Our next goal is to plan an overnight trip.  I have no idea how we’ll do that, but so help me, we’re gonna.  I don’t care how indebted we have to become to our friends and family,  or how much we have to pay for an overnight sitter.  We need it.  Our KIDS need it.  And we’re going to fight for it.

Enough about L.  Now its M’s turn for some drama!

M has REALLY been doing well.  She’s fully attached to me, and is finally becoming a daddy’s girl as well.  She has lots of friends, and is doing great in school.  She’s taking pride in how “responsible” she’s becoming, keeping her room clean, doing her chores, etc.  She’s like a walking poster child for older child adoption and fost-adopt.

But recently, she’s been struggling.  For the past week or so, at some point in the late afternoon/evening, she just falls apart, for no apparent reason.  Oh, she says there’s a reason, but we’re pretty sure its a cover for whatever the real issue is.

Why the sudden change?  Well, we moved.  Which in and of itself would have been enough to trigger issues for ANY former foster kid.  Because in her world, every move has meant getting a new mom and dad. But we expected there to be issues with that, and thought we were managing that process as best we could.

Then, to top it off, school ended a week later.  M LOVES school.  And that’s the transition we didn’t plan for.  Suddenly, she went from having a very structured day, to going to all day day care (which is on her school’s campus, but still…), and coming home to a “strange” house.

All we can do at this point is hold her and comfort her, and tell her a new story.  Right now, she’s telling herself the story that change is bad, nothing good comes of it, that if she doesn’t see her friends every day that means she doesn’t have any, etc.  We need to tell a different story, that change happens and is hard, but not horrible, that her friends must miss her a lot, etc.

But mostly, I suspect she just needs time.  Shoot, I’M still adjusting to the new house, so I can only imagine what its like for a six year old.

And is it wrong that I secretly enjoy these times, because she lets me comfort her and hold her and kiss her all up? Maybe that’s slightly crazy on my part, but you know, you gotta be at least a little crazy to do this job!