Posts from — August 2009

M’s been having nightmares about 2-3 times a week.  They tend to flare up when she’s under stress (such as going back to school).  I hate hearing that scream, running into her room, and finding her standing in the middle of the room sobbing.  Its just heartbreaking.

Tonight, I told her that I thought maybe she should write a story about her dreams (she loves to write).  Much to my surprise, an hour later, she showed up in my room with a four page long (front and back) story that she had written in the dark.

The first two-thirds of the dream, the entire family was working together to fight off the bad guys.  But at the very end, all of a sudden, L dies, and then we all die.

So I asked her – how come it was going so well, but then all of a sudden we die?  Her response?  “Because when L died, we all die, because we all go together.”

Wow, I thought.  Its a nightmare, and yet somehow, her subconscious has incorporated the idea of our family being together into it.  That seems pretty awesome to me.

To top it off, she then said, “and even that’s not so bad, because then we’ll all be in heaven together.”

!!!

I’m sure the nightmares aren’t over yet.  But its so amazing to me to see how much progress she’s made, and how she’s come to see us as her forever family.  That its become such a strong idea in her mind, that not even a nightmare can destroy it.

I was so excited for school to start.  To be back in the nice, structured routine that school provides.

Remind me not to think that way again.

The first two days were great.  And then…

• M started staying up later.  And later.
• L suddenly couldn’t get dressed without “help”
• M started sneaking around, getting into stuff she wasn’t supposed to.
• L would sit and rage for two hours instead of doing his homework.

And here’s the thing – school is going GREAT!  L’s actually holding his own in his regular class, M loves her teacher and her friends – its really going much better than I expected.  Until they get home, that is.  Then, they fall apart.

Because even when school is good, it requires a lot of energy and concentration – so they’re spent by the time they get home.  Then, once you factor for that, you still have the fact that going back to school is a significant change to a kid’s routine.  And no matter how positive it is, “change” in and of itself is enough to send our kids into a tizzy.

By the end of the week, there were signs that things were calming down.  L did his homework completely on his own, and M and a full on meltdown that opened up an opportunity for us to talk about how she’s feeling.  But it was yet another reminder to me that I need to both help prepare my kids for changes in their lives, and prepare myself to handle the fallout.

Often, when I mention to people that L has poor impulse control, they say “oh, all kids do!”

Trust me, L is not like “all” kids.  Here’s just a small example:

At his party, the kids started playing with ice from the ice chest, which is all well and good, until they start throwing it at the adults.  So I said, loudly, “no more playing with the ice!”

L starts moving towards the ice chest.

“L!  Do not get any more ice!”

He keeps going for it.

Now, I’m standing right above him, with my head next to his.

“L – no!”

He starts opening the ice chest lid, as though he’s completely oblivious.

I grab his hand.  He keeps moving the hand I have grabbed toward the ice and grabs some.

I finally had to physically force him to drop the ice.  I really believe he was not in control of his actions.  At some point, he had decided to get the ice, and nothing could possibly stop him.

It may seem silly to even talk about this – after all, its just ice.  But its not just ice – its playing with the dog, bugging his brother, taking stuff from day care, drawing with a sharpie on the carpet – its constant.

THIS is L’s life.  Its not normal kid stuff.  Its why we’re exploring medications.  Its why he’s in therapy.  Its why my husband and I are exhausted and probably developing PTSD ourselves.

I’m so grateful for the ice incident, because its a crystal clear example of L’s behavior that I can share with his psych, therapist, and anyone else who needs to understand how my boy’s brain works.  It encapsulates the issue into one small story. One small story that illustrates so very much.

Yet another birthday, this time, it was L’s.  And fortunately, his sister E was able to join us again.

Let me just interrupt myself here – I have to say that it was a significant effort for E’s parents to bring her to these parties.  They live an hour away, and they were forced to hang out with a bunch of people they didn’t know each time.  I am so grateful for their willingness to support the kids’ relationships.

Anyway… poor M.  This time, she didn’t get quite as crazy, but there was still enough crazy to go around. What was especially interesting was that this time, she hardly played with E at all – she spent most of the time playing with her best friend.  Our social worker friend said that was a good thing, that it means she’s transferred her attachment to her life with us.  But then, I had to feel for E, who may have felt a little left out.

The other day, I was talking to both kids about the excitement around the sister visit.  I was saying that I bet its hard, because they don’t get to see her very often, and its totally fun when they do, and very exciting, and maybe when they see her they remember the bad times.

That last sentence was a total guess.  But man, did they latch onto it.  I guess its all a part of that “trauma bond” concept – they love E, but she’s begun to represent their old, painful life.

And one more thing: I had burst of empathy this morning for M and L. You see, MY brother came to L’s party last night.  I haven’t seen him in months.  I was so excited to see him and his wife, to show off the new house (because yes, I do still feel a need to impress my big brother), and for them to spend time with my kids.   It was so great to see him.  But today, I’m wiped out.  Partially because of the party, but also because of being able to see my brother, and all the emotional baggage that comes with that.  Because even though I’m crazy about my brother, the sibling relationship is really loaded with a whole bunch of crap, isn’t it?  Maybe even in healthy families, I don’t know.

But now, I get it on a level I didn’t before.  Its hard.  It will probably always be hard.  But she’s their sister, another victim in the crazyness that has been their lives.  And as hard as it is, we’re going to have to keep supporting that relationship.

A friend of mine has been going through a tough time recently.  Today, she got some great news on one issue, and said “at least ONE thing is going right.”

I asked her – what else is going wrong.  And as she went through the list, she reported that each issue had been resolved in one way or another.  By the end of our conversation, she realized that things were going pretty well!

Sometimes, we get stuck thinking about how hard things are.  Gradually, we build up a list of grievances of things that are making our life hell.  Unfortunately, while we’re very good at adding items to the list, we forget to take them off.  So even though things may be going well, we still have this “things are so hard” burden on our shoulders.

Consider itemizing your list of burdens.  Does each item still belong on the list?  Can you celebrate the turn-around of any of those items?

Such itemization helps us see the whole picture, and, as it did for my friend, give us a more positive view on our lives.

This past Friday, my amazing husband took our kids camping with a group of friends.  I don’t camp.  Did it once or twice, hate it, never gonna do it again.  Even if you tell me “but the kids need the experience…” – forget it. I’m not going.

Such is how I found myself alone.  In my home.  For a full 48 hours.

I’ve been away from the family for that long before – but in that case, it was ME who left the house.  Its totally different being alone in YOUR space, with all your stuff – and no one around to mess it up!

What was my big exciting plan?  To clean the house.  That’s right, clean the house.  I desperately wanted to clean it, and have it stay clean for more than 5 minutes. (Really, this isn’t an exaggeration.  To my kids, the world is their trash can, and I’ve found crap on the floor less than 5 minutes after vacuuming it).

So I cleaned.  Filled up three trash bags.  Scrubbed the floors.  And then, for the finishing touch, got out my brand new awesome Dyson vacuum cleaner.

Which promptly broke. Fortunately, its under warranty, so it will get serviced.  But… I was so bummed!  I was supposed to be able to enjoy a clean house and now I couldn’t! Is this what I’ve come to?  A woman who’s happiness is dependent upon whether or not she can vacuum her home?  When did THAT happen?  Never mind, don’t answer that.

Okay, so I got past that.  The house was as clean as I could get it.  Now what?  Uhhhhhhh…. well……

I was stumped.  There was nothing to “do”.  All I could do was “be”.  So I read, played on the computer, watched a little TV, ate a meal that the kids would never have tolerated, played with the dog.   Once the cleaning was done, I had almost an entire day to just rest.  Remember “rest”?  That thing that helps you recover from the madness?  I got a whole lot of that.  I wasn’t tired or frustrated or yelling at anyone.  It was good.

By Sunday though, I was done resting.  I missed my babies.  I missed the noise, the sparkly eyes, the laughter – I missed it all.  And when they finally came busting through the door, they knocked me over with their hugs – it was a wonderful moment.

Then real life began all over again – in all its messy, painful, noisy wonderfulness.  It was a terrific 48 hours I had to myself – but it was nothing compared to the daily life I have with my family.