Still More Sister Stuff

Yet another birthday, this time, it was L’s.  And fortunately, his sister E was able to join us again.

Let me just interrupt myself here – I have to say that it was a significant effort for E’s parents to bring her to these parties.  They live an hour away, and they were forced to hang out with a bunch of people they didn’t know each time.  I am so grateful for their willingness to support the kids’ relationships.

Anyway… poor M.  This time, she didn’t get quite as crazy, but there was still enough crazy to go around. What was especially interesting was that this time, she hardly played with E at all – she spent most of the time playing with her best friend.  Our social worker friend said that was a good thing, that it means she’s transferred her attachment to her life with us.  But then, I had to feel for E, who may have felt a little left out.

The other day, I was talking to both kids about the excitement around the sister visit.  I was saying that I bet its hard, because they don’t get to see her very often, and its totally fun when they do, and very exciting, and maybe when they see her they remember the bad times.

That last sentence was a total guess.  But man, did they latch onto it.  I guess its all a part of that “trauma bond” concept – they love E, but she’s begun to represent their old, painful life.

And one more thing: I had burst of empathy this morning for M and L. You see, MY brother came to L’s party last night.  I haven’t seen him in months.  I was so excited to see him and his wife, to show off the new house (because yes, I do still feel a need to impress my big brother), and for them to spend time with my kids.   It was so great to see him.  But today, I’m wiped out.  Partially because of the party, but also because of being able to see my brother, and all the emotional baggage that comes with that.  Because even though I’m crazy about my brother, the sibling relationship is really loaded with a whole bunch of crap, isn’t it?  Maybe even in healthy families, I don’t know.

But now, I get it on a level I didn’t before.  Its hard.  It will probably always be hard.  But she’s their sister, another victim in the crazyness that has been their lives.  And as hard as it is, we’re going to have to keep supporting that relationship.