Remembering Myself

9 days ago, we admitted L to a residential treatment center.  We simply couldn’t keep him safe, and his behavior was causing his sister to regress.  We were fortunate to find a place that came highly recommended, and the funding also came together with no problem.

In the 9 days since, we’ve only just begun to recover from the last 2.5 years, in particular the last six months.  It is as though we gradually went from being parents, to being prison wardens.  Or maybe prison warden is too generous – its as though we became the police force in a high crime area.  No, that’s not right either.  Because somewhere along the way, we just stopped being people – and just started living under siege.  When we weren’t trying to manage the crazy behavior, we were trying desperately to escape it.

So now, I’m trying to remember who I am, what what my life was like before it became a non-life.  What did I do before this all became so crazy?  I think I read books.  Maybe I had a few TV shows I could watch straight through (seriously, unless its SYTYCD or some home design show, I can’t stand to sit through it).  Did I get together with friends, or serve in volunteer organizations?  I must have crocheted, because I’ve got a bag full of projects I started and never finished.

But… when I look at that bag of crochet projects, I’m totally overwhelmed at the prospect of starting them.  I want to be myself again, but I’m totally overwhelmed at the prospect of doing so.

How can I get back to being myself?