At last night’s therapy session, something became painfully clear – one of us needs to quit our full-time job if we are going to give L the best chance possible for healing.

!!!

We are both employed full time, in fairly well paying jobs.  And yet we live paycheck to paycheck.  I still don’t really know how that’s possible.  Maybe its the mortgage payment on the house we just bought.  Maybe its the grocery bill.  Maybe we just spend too much, I dunno.  But going without half our income is about as realistic as one of us going to the moon.

To make matters worse, the best person to be a stay at home parent is my husband – who of course, has the larger salary.  But it would be just as nuts to lose my salary.

Maybe there’s other options.  Maybe there’s county services we could take advantage of.  Maybe….

But right now, all I know is what our son needs – he needs a full-time parent.   And yet, I have no idea how to give it to him and still be able to take care of the rest of the family.

How on earth…

When we began the process of fost-adopt, we first told our families our plans.  We weren’t asking permission, just letting them know what to expect.  We were as honest as possible about what they could expect (and not expect), making sure they understood that older child adoption was NOT a bed of roses.

Fast forward to today.  Our family has exceeded every hope we had when it comes to accepting our children.  As far as they’re concerned, they are as much a part of the family as my nephew (birth child of my brother).  You might be thinking “well duh!  YOU’RE adopted, so don’t you think they already get it?”  Yes and No.  Because I was adopted as a perfectly healthy infant – I was six weeks old – and was adopted during a time when you just didn’t talk about adoption.  Our kids were much older (5 and 6), and came to us with a significant – mostly negative – history.

The biggest surprise has been my mom.  She came up for a visit this weekend, and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  She helped L read – and was so patient and clever in how she helped him.  She also helped L prepare for his poetry recital, even teaching him about projecting his voice – again, showing tremendous patience.  Later, I overheard her having a conversation with M about M’s sister E – and sharing how she (grandma) too misses her sister, but loves visiting her.

I don’t remember this woman.  I was pretty independent as a kid, so never really needed my parents help with school – so watching her help L with his work was a revelation.  And she was never one to talk about my adoption with her friends – I think most of her friends don’t even know! – so watching her talk about the difficulties M was having missing her sister was heartwarming.

I am so blessed to be be able to see this side of my mom.  And my kids are so blessed to have her in their lives.

Yes, its the totally predictable, yet still relevant, seasonal post!

I am thankfor for:

• An adoption agency that provided us with solid training and resources.
• A caseworker that never gave up on us, even when we were close to giving up on ourselves.
• Friends who have given their time, energy and prayers.
• Family who have proven surprisingly supportive.
• A school that is a model of how a school can support kids who have special needs.
• A 10 year old that has opened his heart, and shared his beloved daddy, with two kids who haven’t always been so gracious in return.
• A church that welcomed our kids with open arms.
• An employer that has given more flexibility than I had any right to expect.
• Neighbors who have patiently put up with objects flying over their fence, and screams that have wafted over said fence.
• A God who has caused all things to serve HIS purpose.
• A husband who has always put his wife and family before all else.

Today, our pastor interviewed us at church.  He was trying to get the perspective of adoptive parents, and how it models the biblical view of how God adopts us.

His first question was to Jim – “How do you feel about M and L?”.  Jim’s response was that he loves them as much as he loves his biological child, that they’ve added so much richness to our lives, and that he can’t imagine anyone else being their daddy.

His next question was to me – “What does ‘family’ mean to you”.  I talked about two things.  First, that in adoptive families, we need to intentionally “claim” each other as family.  And not just that I claim M, L and N, but that they needed to claim us to – and I talked about how I knew we had reached a milestone when Mary wrapped her arms around me and said “MY mommy!” – she was claiming me.

Then I said that because adoption starts with either a parent giving up their child, or with a child being taken from their parent, adoption always starts from a place of pain, isolation and grief.  And the adoptive family is God’s way of bringing healing, relationship and restoration to the children of that pain – our main job is to be that healing family.