At last night’s therapy session, something became painfully clear – one of us needs to quit our full-time job if we are going to give L the best chance possible for healing.

!!!

We are both employed full time, in fairly well paying jobs.  And yet we live paycheck to paycheck.  I still don’t really know how that’s possible.  Maybe its the mortgage payment on the house we just bought.  Maybe its the grocery bill.  Maybe we just spend too much, I dunno.  But going without half our income is about as realistic as one of us going to the moon.

To make matters worse, the best person to be a stay at home parent is my husband – who of course, has the larger salary.  But it would be just as nuts to lose my salary.

Maybe there’s other options.  Maybe there’s county services we could take advantage of.  Maybe….

But right now, all I know is what our son needs – he needs a full-time parent.   And yet, I have no idea how to give it to him and still be able to take care of the rest of the family.

How on earth…

I know, its been awhile.  I had stopped blogging because things were going so “normal”, that I just didn’t have much to report.  But something changed this year.

I still don’t understand why it started – or if it was already there and I was just in denial – but L is in a world of pain. Angry, defiant, engaging in behavior that gets him in trouble at school, and worse yet, behavior that could get him seriously hurt or killed.

So we’re back in therapy.  This time, as an entire family.  We’re having to move beyond your standard behavior modification methods, and move into stuff that’s much harder, much more time consuming.  And, both my husband and I are having to look at our own responses, and how those responses help or hurt L.

Maybe I was naive, but I really thought that things would be hard for 6-12 months after placement.  To be two years into it, and in a lot of ways feel like we’re back at square one, is both heartbreaking and frustrating.  More often that I care to admit, I’ve wished L would just go away, so we could have a peaceful home again.  But he is ours, he is our son, and we will never give up.

My church is having a women’s retreat, and in a cursory review of the agenda, it looks like they’re going to spend a lot of time with activities that are deep and meaningful.  And I instantly thought “oh man!  no way I’m going to THAT!”

???

I was very surprised at my response.  Going deep is a good thing, right?  Growth, building relationships, etc – its all good, right?  And in the past, I’ve normally sought that kind of thing out.  So what’s the deal?

Then it hit me: I don’t need to go on a retreat to go deep, because these days, I LIVE in the deep.

On a daily basis, I find myself so far in the deep end of my kids crap that I’m either exhausted from treading water, or feel like I’m drowning.  Every day, I’m faced with levels of anger, grief, pain and loss that would take down the Terminator himself.  Every day, I have to examine my own insecurities, failings and emotions at a level that most people pay trained professionals to help them examine (and, I pay said paid professional in addition to my own examination).  Every day, I have to work like a fiend at my relationship with my husband, because we can’t take it for granted for a single minute or else we’ll drown.

Every day, I’m in the deep.

Which is why last night was such a wonderful little break.  For one hour, we went out to dinner to celebrate my husband’s birthday, and it was a delight.  My husband and I were making googly eyes at each other; N was being the tolerably annoying big brother; L was being a total, goofy, delight; M was trying desperately to act like a little adult (which is hard to do when your two front teeth are missing and you’re cute beyond words).  We laughed, joked, sang in the car, and generally had a blast.

Of course, it ended the minute we got home, but that’s okay.  Because for a brief moment, I got to sit in the shallow end, and take a break.  When you’re treading water day in and day out, even that brief respite can do wonders.

As if the new year isn’t excuse enough for reflection, it’s also near my birthday, and NOW, its the same time of year that our kids arrived.  I can’t take all the reflection!

Anyway, I went back and reread my notes from the first two weeks that M and L were with us, and baby, we’ve come a long way!  From total fear and confusion, to a true family that looks a lot like most other families out there.

A year ago, I was sitting in my living room sobbing, being comforted by a very good friend.  Today, I enjoyed a nice dinner out with the entire family, and find myself thinking about how much I love my kids.

To all who are considering the fost-adopt journey I say, give it time.  The first year is going to challenge you like you’ve never been challenged before.  But with time (and therapy, maybe some meds) you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about, and find yourself in love with your family.

Happy New Year!