Often, when I mention to people that L has poor impulse control, they say “oh, all kids do!”

Trust me, L is not like “all” kids.  Here’s just a small example:

At his party, the kids started playing with ice from the ice chest, which is all well and good, until they start throwing it at the adults.  So I said, loudly, “no more playing with the ice!”

L starts moving towards the ice chest.

“L!  Do not get any more ice!”

He keeps going for it.

Now, I’m standing right above him, with my head next to his.

“L – no!”

He starts opening the ice chest lid, as though he’s completely oblivious.

I grab his hand.  He keeps moving the hand I have grabbed toward the ice and grabs some.

I finally had to physically force him to drop the ice.  I really believe he was not in control of his actions.  At some point, he had decided to get the ice, and nothing could possibly stop him.

It may seem silly to even talk about this – after all, its just ice.  But its not just ice – its playing with the dog, bugging his brother, taking stuff from day care, drawing with a sharpie on the carpet – its constant.

THIS is L’s life.  Its not normal kid stuff.  Its why we’re exploring medications.  Its why he’s in therapy.  Its why my husband and I are exhausted and probably developing PTSD ourselves.

I’m so grateful for the ice incident, because its a crystal clear example of L’s behavior that I can share with his psych, therapist, and anyone else who needs to understand how my boy’s brain works.  It encapsulates the issue into one small story. One small story that illustrates so very much.

I’ve posted here several times about our experience with medications.  Sometimes, I need to listen to my own advice.

We have a new psych, and in our first meeting, I talked about wanting to take L off one of his meds.  I wasn’t convinced it was adding to his quality of life – and, to be honest, the pills are so giant I think I was beginning to think the bigger the badder.

So we tried it.  After a couple of days, he seemed, well, perkier.  That’s great, I thought.

Then, he started getting defiant.  Oh well, boys will be boys.

Then, he stopped listening.  Well, maybe the stress of the house hunt is getting to him (note to self, blog about THAT too).

Then, he stopped being able to control himself at all.  Hmmm…  maybe this med thing isn’t working, but then again, maybe he needs more time to get used to being off it.

Finally, a week later, he said to daddy: “I’ve been making bad choices.  I don’t like it.  Can I go back on my medicine?”

Oh.

Why was I so determined to take him off this medication?  Why was I so desperate to write off the signs as having to do with anything BUT going off the medication?

Because even though I know how helpful it is to him, there’s still a part of me that wants to believe he doesn’t need them.  That with enough love from daddy and I, he’ll heal, and be all better.

But that’s not how it works.  Oh, mommy and daddy love is great – wait, essential, as is a good therapist.  But after years of abuse and neglect, the brain rewires itself – and the medication is necessary to help the brain function as it is designed to.

So L is back on the medication.  And he’s doing great.  And I’ve learned my lesson – till I forget it again.

I’m really torn on this.  I like L’s psych, I really do.  He’s been managing the hubby’s meds for several years, got him to a really stable place, and I assumed he’d be able to do the same for L.

However, its a small office with unreliable voice mail, and getting prescription refills (which you have to get every month for these meds, grrrr) has become a major headache.  More important, when I describe concerns, patterns, etc., his answer is always to increase one of the two meds he’s on, instead of looking at alternatives, which is what my gut is telling me we should do.

Now, my gut instinct can’t compare to a psychiatrists many years of medical training and professional experience.  But it is my gut, and this is my kid.  At the very least, I should feel as though I’m being heard, and I don’t.

The hubs and I discussed this, and agreed that it would be worth it to look at other options. So we have an appointment set up for Monday with a new psychiatrist.  I’ll determine after that meeting if this is a good fit for us or not.  In the meantime, I’m feeling a little bit guilty because I do like this guy, and really appreciate what he’s done for my husband.  But I can’t let that guilt stand in the way of doing what’s best for my kid.

I just hope this IS the best.

As I’ve discussed before, L is on psychotropic meds.  The latest cocktail (Focalin, Risperdall, Depakote) has been working pretty well, especially the Focalin, which is for his ADHD.  He’s finally able to manage the school day successfully, which is just awesome on so many levels.

Well, the psych has been pushing to take L off the Risperdall, as there just isn’t as much long term data on it.  And, our overall goal is to get him off both the Risperdall and Depakote (his ADHD will probably require long term treatment).

We took L off the Risperdall about 10 days ago.  At first, we thought everything was going great.  But now, we just don’t know anymore.  The last few nights have been really rough.  It almost looks like a form of bipolar – one minute, he’s giddy, the next minute, he’s sobbing.  Last night, the meltdown occured because I told him to close the refrigerator door.  Seriously.

But here’s the thing – is this change in behavior really due to going off the Risperdall?  Or is it because its our crazy season?  Or is it because its the holidays?  Or something else entirely?  And if it is the Risperdall, is it time for him to learn to manage these emotions anyway?  Or is it too soon?

Psychotropic meds are so hard to manage.  Its part science, part art.  And often leaves one with more questions than answers.

One of our kids, L, takes psychotropic meds.

There, I said it.  Deal with it.

I’m amazed at how much fear and animosity there is out there about giving psych meds to kids.  (in fact, it applies to meds given to adults as well).  We’re told that we’re just sedating our kids, preventing them from really learning how to behave, and if we’d just be firm with them…

The science shows that the brains of kids who have been abused, neglected and traumatized are wired differently than those who were raised in loving homes.  I’m not going to prove my point here – other sites and books have done a much better job at showing that link.  And meds have been shown to rewire our kids brains the way they should be.  And while he’s on those meds, we can work with him to “relearn” how to be a “normal” kid.

Think about it – if your blood pressure was so high that you were at risk of stroke, would you rely on diet and exercise alone to fix things?  Of course not – you’d start on the blood pressure medication right now so that you didn’t have a stroke, and then you’d work on the diet and exercise.  Maybe, if things go as planned, you’d be able to go off the blood pressure medication, and rely on the diet and exercise to keep your blood pressure low.

Its the same with our son L.  These meds make it possible for him to go to school, make friends, and not do the crazy things that make his life miserable.  We hope that with therapy, and a stable, loving home, he’ll be able to stop taking the meds eventually.  But we’ve got to treat him where he’s at.