I know, its been awhile.  I had stopped blogging because things were going so “normal”, that I just didn’t have much to report.  But something changed this year.

I still don’t understand why it started – or if it was already there and I was just in denial – but L is in a world of pain. Angry, defiant, engaging in behavior that gets him in trouble at school, and worse yet, behavior that could get him seriously hurt or killed.

So we’re back in therapy.  This time, as an entire family.  We’re having to move beyond your standard behavior modification methods, and move into stuff that’s much harder, much more time consuming.  And, both my husband and I are having to look at our own responses, and how those responses help or hurt L.

Maybe I was naive, but I really thought that things would be hard for 6-12 months after placement.  To be two years into it, and in a lot of ways feel like we’re back at square one, is both heartbreaking and frustrating.  More often that I care to admit, I’ve wished L would just go away, so we could have a peaceful home again.  But he is ours, he is our son, and we will never give up.

So I know I’ve talked about how we’ve been talking L to a wonderful, talented therapist.  Well, I’ve been going too.  Something about being stressed out beyond all belief…

Of course, one of my major issues is dealing with L.  His constant whining, inability to do ANYthing, calling us names, slamming doors, etc.

My therapist (well, L’s therapist too), has pointed out that L is really stuck in “victim” mode: that he’s bad, he can’t do anything, etc.  And one of our jobs is to help him build his problem solving skills.

One of the things that makes us nuts is when L is told to clean his room, and after an hour of sitting there, starts to wail “IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII CANNNNNNNNNN’T”, over and over again.  Or, when he has homework problems that I’ve seen him do before, he says “but I don’t know hooooooooooowwwwwwwwww.”  Or when he’s hungry, and he screams “I’M!!!!! HUN!!! GRY!!!”.

In the past, I would respond “oh sure you can honey, you know how to do it, you just…”.  Or “oh yes you do, you’ve done these before, its just like this…”.  Or “what would you like to eat?”

No more.  My husband and I have been tasked with putting it back on his shoulders, making HIM fix the “problem”, and even ignoring him if necessary.

That may seem like a lot to ask of a traumatized seven year old, but the fact is, he’s a smart kid.  He knows JUST where our buttons are.  And he’s totally capable of doing anything we ask.

So now, when he “can’t” clean his room, there is absolutely no response from us.  If he suddenly doesn’t know how to do his homework, at most, he gets a “I’ll be excited to see how you figure that out.”  And when he’s hungry, the response is “so what are you going to do about that?”.

And, if he says mean things, we ignore it (I was just called a stupid idiot – that’d normally really get me going, this time, nothing).  If he refuses to get out of our face, we leave the room.  We’ve even got his older brother N in on it – in fact, just a few minutes ago, L was yelling because something was in his way, and N responded “Hey L, thanks for reminding me to put my stuff away”!  Nice job, N!

We’ve been charged to do this as much as we can for the two weeks – we’ve been doing it for 4 days now, and while I don’t know that there’s a different in L’s behavior, there’s sure a difference in my attitude. Its very freeing.  I’m probably less stressed than I’ve been in months, because instead of trying to get him to “do” or “act” a certain way, I put the onus on him.

So whaddaya gonna do about that, L?

L’s therapist has been gradually pushing him to talk about harder and harder memories, and today, she continued the trend.  And today, to our surprise, he went for a big one – his last day at his old home.

The parents in his old home had L, M, and their sister E, and were supposed to adopt all three.  Instead, they only adopted E, causing L and M to be placed with us.  So not only did M and L have to experience a sudden, traumatic, move – they had to leave their big sister behind.

L remembers that day really well.  He remembers what they did, how he felt, and the look on E’s face when they left.  Over and over again, he talked about how sad she was.  And apparently, he thinks she’s STILL sad.  Like, he’s carrying this guilt/fear that she’s walking around sad because HE left. No matter how many times the therapist asked him to remember the most recent visit with E (just two months ago, when she was very happy), all he could talk about was that day 16 months ago, when she was sad.

His little body was curling in on itself.  He was getting harder and harder to understand. But he kept responding to the therapist.  He kept going, working through the feelings, remembering the sad.

I don’t know what the outcome of today’s session will be.  The therapist closed the session with talking about choosing to do things that make you happy or sad, and had L brainstorm what he could do to help him be happy.  Hopefully, my husband and I will be able to follow up on that.

I knew that day they moved into our home was traumatic.  But I only knew that in my head.  To watch my boy relive that day was incredibly difficult.  Thing is, I know this is just the tip of the iceberg.  In the scheme of his life, that day was far from the worst day he’s experienced.

I don’t want to watch my sweet boy work through that.  But I will.  Because as hard as it is for me, its ten times as hard for him.  And he deserves to have someone by his side as he works through his past.

It was a simple thing, really.  Dad, L, N and M were at Subway.  L turned to dad and said “Dad, can we go?  Its too noisy and bright in here for me.”

One of the main issues he’s working on in therapy is being able to “hear” what his body is “telling” him.  To understand when he’s feeling bad, and whats making him feel bad.  And then to act on it appropriately.

That night at Subway, his body was feeling overwhelmed.  And he was able to realize that, and act on it by telling his dad how he felt.

Fortunately, dad recognized the significance of L’s request and acted on it immediately, praising L the entire time.  It must have registered with L, because he came home to me and told me what happened.

13 words = one huge breakthrough for L.